yknow what? im bored again. and since im bored and dont know what to do, ive decided i might start writing again. ooh i kind of get the same feeling now as the first time, im really excited. its such a cool feeling that what im writing right now will be on the website tm.
the sky is kind of grey, there's clouds. i woke up really late today (around 15:00)
and again i dont know what to write. but i dont have to force myself. i made the website yesterday and also extended it a bit with some new pages. its pretty fun. right now its very very small and i want to add more stuff (mainly entries), but i know that i have to be patient and eventually those entries will slowly grow in number. theres a bird outside making a nice sound. i think it's gone now though, i dont hear it anymore.
yesterday right before it turned night i wrote something with the intention of putting it here, here's the most important part of it (i left out a random thing i wrote after that didnt fit which tried making it interesting):
23:43
i have a fun idea, i could walk around and maybe think about stuff and typing, which again is forcing myself, but it turned out well last time, so it might be a good strategy. But would I have anything new to talk about though? I have more than enough time to do this and have it be fun. I don't have to push myself towards this in order to sustain it. But I might just do it tomorrow because it's fun! And id get more used to writing, knowing what to write, so i dont really have to "stress" about if i'd be able to write the right things at the right time, and just make it fun.
so yeah i wont do that today at least, but its a maybe cool idea so i could still do it another time. you know TBH im just yapping for the sake of yapping even in this entry. last time i was actually talking about interesting stuff but this time around im actually just desperate not even to not let this project die but just to fill up the entries as fast as i can. it's not behavior i recognize from myself to care this much so i really feel the need to act upon it in case the interest fades away.
it really is a problem i have. theres a bunch of things I want to do but i just dont put enough effort in and dont do it enough. I really want to make more music, i want to finish an rpgmaker project that i dont think about, moreso do enough for, especially since i deleted that one island accidentally last time. i have an older test version of the game thankfully, so i can recreate the island as to how it was in the old game (its not a huge island, so dont worry). i also really want to learn Hungarian, or really just any language, but Hungarian is the one im interested in (physically close Uralic language with enough resources + it sounds very cool), although i should really just start focusing on Spanish since not only is it "useful" (and it would be really cool to understand those random comments on the internet that are not in English but always either Spanish or Russian) but also because im gonna be getting it as a subject at school in about 1 year (not next year but the year after that) which means it'd be useful if I learned it a bit. the class im gonna be joining would have had spanish since i dont know how long while i had it only for 1.66 years some years ago.
i also started on a very epic book which i mean its not the most daunting thing if i really think about what im gonna write and split it up into parts (like tasks not multiple books oh god) but come on its a book it has to be perfect. i just know that project will absolutely never see the light of day. EVEN THOUGH I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE IT. but as with all things i think its mostly liking what the end result is gonna be and liking the process less, even though i also like the process, but i think a little more in a way of "ooh its so fun working on this and deciding what the end result is gonna be and working on the end result. yknow what i realise just now? i think that's precisely what makes this project, these entries, such a slightly stressful one. it's all process and no end result. there's just a result thats always changing. i think thats what trips me up. it feels weird being "actively" busy with this all the while i... just can't work on it! most times. but on the other hand, it means this project might just be PERFECT for me. (idk why i forgot that i mean literally looking at another website a bit like this made me think wow i can just add stuff whenever i wanna do that) not just because i'm "learning" how to focus on the process, but just because i can be seemingly as lazy as i want and write whenever and it'd be warranted for this type of project. i'd feel satisfied no matter what i do, that is, if i don't let it die out and look at the insanely low amount of entries it has from time to time while feeling incredibly disappointed.
isnt it weird how a project that would seemingly be the most odd thing for/to me actually helps making it easier to work on it more? actually now that i think about it thats not weird at all. its just not working on something that you feel is hard to work on (which is what you'd usually do) and starting to work on something thats easier to work on.
maybe if i get used to this, i can incorporate this way of working into other things, like music, and the rpgmaker thing, and the book. even though it is what i USUALLY end up doing, it would then be an active choice and i wouldnt have an immense feeling of guilt, disappointment and regret while working and not working on it. it might just even help me do it faster if i dont stress about it. just in, person discovers obvious stuff. yknow im really excited for that to be the case if it were going to be. it would just be me accepting and embracing the way i work instead of saying to myself i should work differently. IT'S PERFECT! MAN, im so happy i thought of that. im happy that that might'll be the case. anyway im gonna eat now bye
19:58
And i forgot to mention, if i use that method for music, i feel like id actually put effort into it again since i wont be focusing on finishing it
Im going to bed again, its been a short day cause i woke up late.
I found myself in quite the dilemma downstairs (only because i thought of it)
My mother had left the room (this was after dinner by the tv, like every friday) and her glass with drink (opposite of food) was still on the stool, only it was positioned on the edge of it. Whenever somethings positioned on the edge i move it over more to the middle cause im afraid it might fall, id anyway just put in that little amount of effort it takes to make sure it doesnt fall. But the thing is, when i did that, i realised: what if my mother came back, was looking at for example her phone when she's sitting, and tries to grab the glass, only for it to be closer to her than she remembers, actually making the glass be knocked off the stool?
So in order to prevent this, i placed it on the low table in front of the couch instead. But now, what if she's not sure if it's her drink, cause it's in another spot? She could think it might be my drink (which would've been a bit of a smaller problem, were it not for the glass to not be empty yet). No real option was good, not to even speak of perfect. In the end i guess i left the room and went upstairs leaving it as the lesser of three evils; on the table in front of the couch.
"could" is a funny word you know, because unlike "should" and "would" there never was an L in the word that was pronounced. It only got added in the spelling by analogy with "should" and "would" after they lost the L sound. Humans look for patterns in that way, even when they're not there.
Oh yeah we were watching Kill Bill vol 1 during dinner and bro that one sound effect came on as such a surprise lmfao also that other famous sound effect was in the film so that was cool the one túúún, tùùùn, túúún, tùùùn