Hello! Im so excited to talk to the internet, although Ive already done that countless of times, this one is more "profound" because the entire page is dedicated to what I (in caps) have to say.
I have thoughts, i wouldnt call them a lot of thoughts because all people have thoughts, but i find a lot of them interesting, especially when i dont know what it is that i thought. Funny huh? Its funny becauE how can i find something interesting if i dont know what it is i find interesting. Observations, parallels, DEEP and smart philosophical takes, maybe some could end up right here.
I really do want to write more stuff down. Wait yknow what i just realized? This is like an insane epic version of a diary cause you type instead of write, which (typing) is faster. Funny thing is, im currently writing rhis on a notebook on my phone because its too late and i dont think id be able to learn the basics of html when i also have to get up early tomorrow.
My classmates will hear whether they passed or have failed their finals (not me but im also eating cake) im arriving at school on 15:30
I dont have to force anything out of myself right now but im still typing cause i dint really have anything better to do, and i like it,
I am normal, you know? As normal as I know (key word: know) someone can be, which is what Im used to: me.
Woahh that was poetry and fire, but actually.) But just by maybe the way i speak, which i know must surely be kind of performative now, i mean its the first (and lets face it probably also the second to last, penultimate if you will,) entry here. But i hope that, over time, the way i speak here will level out and you could theoretically have the good understanding of idk how i soeak or am or something i think. I say theoretically because no one will do that. But the material for that ti happen IS HERE. Yknow what, as im still typing this, the chances of there being enough entries for that to happen is bigger than someone reading said entries.. even though THAT PERSON would exist, as opposed to those entries! What im saying is, i thought i would have to rely on myself to make enough entries for that, but i have to rely more on people reading it. It's a weird feeling that, that I have all this in my control, I help shape how people perceive it, but I don't truly. I do that as much as when I don't make this page at all.
I wonder how personal I could should make this. Im inclined to just write anything(! Who cares! I live only once and what repercussions would I get for admitting I experience and do things everyone does? Wow not like sex im making it sound like id describe sex Im talking about like going to the store and thinking things and going to school). Except for names etc ofc.
If i figure out a way to add comments whixh i think would be a really fun idea maybe i'd make a highlighted comment that would be randomized every time an entry loads.
Wall of dots that functions as a landmark within this entry:
...................................
I'd be surprised if this wouldn't turn out to be the longest entry.
Damn, I love everything. I love that I'm alive, and I love everyone, which includes you all. Sometimes, like right now, I get such an intense feeling of love and most of all passion for life, while I don't have ANYTHING to put it into. No crushes to pursue
To come back to the blue section of text earlier this entry:
I can yest (opposite of not) describe myself like how I just did, because I can see and recognize my own behavior in relation to that of others and most others. But I wouldn't be able to do something, say something, and then put an adjective to the manner in which I did it, and say how that describes me as a person.
Hmmmmmm. I mean I guess I could if i think about the behavior of others. But I also think, that would really be a task. Id have to really remember and think: how would others do it? How would this person do it? And then think and compare.
Which is funny that I'd be having difficulty with, cause I'm supposedly self-aware.
And I half assume other people, when they describe themselves or think about the type of person they are, do the same thing, albeit maybe faster, which is why I get the impression I would be taking longer on it, and also be doing it differently, which is not the case. I am not special.
It's 04:18 now. Cant think of anything to write. Best course of action is to check what it also already was I was writing about before beginning a ( chain and until now not following up with the ) which Is what i think... I did? If i remember correctly
It's a funny thing, isn't it, existing. It's weird we are, and at the same time of course we are, not just because non-existence signifies the existence of existence, but also because if we weren't existing, It's not like we'd notice. But still - we DO yest exist. It being logical we experience existing as opposed to its opposite does not mean it makes sense for it to be taken for granted, be realised as normal.
I want to exit this note to look up another note which I want to incorporate here now because it might be fitting, I just have to check to remember what exactly it was. But, I like it here. I know my progress won't be deleted if I exit this note, it's just, it's a nice place.
I searched it, here it is:
"The reason is meaningless
But what is the reason
No, who is the reason
To say something about life?"
Yeah it did tie into the life has no real point thing nicely I reckon, wondered if it would. And it says the absence of a point is no reason to not make your own point, your own reason to live, laugh in the face of life, say, "I DON'T CARE about your supposed mysteries, I DON'T CARE where we come from, WHY ALL THIS EXISTS, I will CROCHET"
Tomorrow is an important day for my classmates, for sure (one of) the most important day(s) for some of them. Feels funny and Important i started this thing the day, or not really the day, the night before (its the same day technically), but then again you do stuff everyday. And tbh, it feels like important things do come in pairs quite often. My younger brother, the one that's 8 minutes older than my other younger brother, pointed out how the same day he went to watch the end of a series he really liked in the cinema with his brother, Chapter 5 of Deltarune got announced.
Cuphead 2 and Deltarune ch5, I mean, it sounds like stuff from the future. 2026 does too, events from 2025 feel like they happened this year. I have to remind myself that no, 2024 is not 2 years ago, it's actually the year right before 2025, and 2025 isn't distant. Idk if the perception comes from 2025 being uneventful, being hospitalized for the majority of the 2026 I experienced, or simply getting older. But with that many reasons, it's a combination. But man, I know you hear people say "it feels like we were here and the next day we were there" a lot when talking about the passage of time getting faster, but when I was hospitalized, that was literal.
The months are fast and the weeks are slow.
And at the same time, even thought it goes by fast, it doesn't feel less distant. The night before my surgery, when I was watching a movie with my mother, truly felt like a moment earlier in the year when I looked back on it, nearing the end of my stay, even though there were 1,5 months inbetween. I guess the stay felt long lol. It was not fun. The most horrible thing I've ever experienced, it's nice that I know the answer to one of those questions now.
I truly missed being able to live life normally, and I so missed school. Because I stayed for longer than expected, I didn't end up going to the school trip to a theme park. I did get some pictures of it, which my friend sent me, which was very very nice of him.
It was so weird just not being able to walk, drooling when sitting on a wheelchair for the first couple of times because it was apparently new again to be sitting as opposed to lying... And MY GOD, that feeding tube. I assume my right nostril is kind of bigger in a deformed way now precisely because of that thing.
I could go on about the hospital but I won't because I wouldn't be able to cover it enough to satisfy myself, to explain how weird and strange it was for me, those loose, scattered, deformed, false memories, followed up by weeks of days filled by thinking of loose, scattered, deformed, false, but also good memories, of when I was home. I longed for home. And I'm so disappointed to say I am used to home again, but it was bound to happen. And if I'd be writing like this at the time I longed for home, I'd probably admit I would actually get used to being home again.
It's 05:06 and the birds are singing outside. Seeing what I'd just written, I want to admit, even though I know I've admitted it before, that writing an entry will very likely be an isolated event. Now I don't WANT it to, i LOVE THIS, but i love it right now, you know. And if i think about doing this, writing, right now (while I'm actually having fun writing, mind you), I get turned off by it, because i feel like i dont necessarily have anything to write about, and I'd better do something else than peform this silly act in which i "express" myself while "satisfying" a need that isn't there. Its just that right now i wanted to do something like this cause i felt inspired. It felt good to literally write and write my thoughts directly (i guess i did that), instead of thinking hmm i should do something with thoughts
well i'll "sleep" now. Its in quotation marks because i might as well call a spill a flood with the amount of rest i'm going to be getting. Goodbye! I hope i entertained you, and that you will practice your "passion" and your point in life, and satisfy yourself. If that is what you want to do. I hope you'll just have happy moments like I had here, because you deserve it and I love you, for I love everything, and I wish I could say that that's not because it amuses me and entertains me in life but simply because it encompasses everything and It's beautiful that you as well as I are a part of it, but I'm afraid I can't say that; I am indeed deeply entertained.
5:20 amAt least 3 of my classmates passed they just heard.